The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
This raises questions
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.