[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.