Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I’m listening
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄