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“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.