[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.