Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
when someone compliments me
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.