99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name