I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Stonehinge
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.