HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted