Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
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*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Do one person every day that scares you.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG