Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.