Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too