Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.