I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Every house has this drawer
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.