My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
HERE’S MARKY
Somebody’s lying.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing