I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
repaired
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*