Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.