A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
sigh