Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late