GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning