A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
You Might Also Like
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Feels like the fourth month in January
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try