Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.