I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“OMGJK” -atheists
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel