I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
choose your fighter
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that