Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.