If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*