I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles