Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*