judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?