*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.