Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael