[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
You Might Also Like
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I have obtained a hat
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this