I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers