You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You Might Also Like
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
the battle rages on
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.