“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
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*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Who chose this font
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.