My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
You Might Also Like
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.