Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.