GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I forgot how to panic. Help
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
blocked.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)