me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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*pronounces woah like Noah*
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
No chill.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.