Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon