A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
You Might Also Like
Left at a local drug store…
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes