People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
adam and eve had first world problems
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*