“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years