🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB