when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.