me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m going to need a moment here.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
#math
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end