MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
You Might Also Like
On a packed bus googling âhow to tell the person sitting next to you that you love themâ
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
donât let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what theyâll agree to
Canât. Being lazy.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
If you say âpoo freedâ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Telling everyone âgreat costumeâ whether or not theyâre wearing one.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I donât drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Tech Twitter in a nutshell đđđ
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
break the monotony of your uber driverâs day by saying âsorry about your carâ as you get out
âwhat that mouth do?â complain
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
good let them take over I have had enough
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
â« Taaaake onnn beeees âȘ
[Take on bees]
âȘ Taaaake beeeees onnn â«
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung âȘ
Too many
Beeeeees â«
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Whatâs the etiquette for showing up to a party you werenât invited to? Should I bring dip or??
American Horror Story: Public Restroom