ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.