Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
You Might Also Like
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕