I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
No chill.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two